Do You See What I See...?

I tried to talk to my biological mother tonight about some things she did inadvertently in the past that were part of a chain reaction caused by her husband's cruelty. The thing is, she didn't try to solve the problems with me. She didn't try to see what she'd done. Instead, she was hard on herself, then eventually, she yelled at me, making me out to be bitter, when I'm really not, just very upset at the moment. She says the same things, "let it go, it's in the past, blahblahblah"... yet I want her to realize, in full, High-Definition detail, the cold reality, the truths about what has happened and who I truly am, which she knows nothing of, before I do that. I want her to realize I'm not the black sheep of the family, or the twisted soul she thinks I am. I don't want to cruelly force it on her, I just long for her to open her eyes and see what abuse and damage has happened, what has truly happened, which she's been blind to.

But she's right about just one thing: I'm in great danger of losing my happiness as a person. And for me, I couldn't bear that. I have to talk to her, or a trusted human being, if I eventually find one, but certainly not any therapist or psychologists, from what I've seen, they're mostly quacks.

I need someone who can reach me, who sees what I see, who feels what I feel...

The God I worship is doing this thing with me where I pray to Him, but he doesn't reply, and I have to have faith that He's still there, even though it seems He's ignoring me. That's always how I've felt lately whenever I talk to Him. I know He's listening and attentive, but somehow, I feel He's just saying, "Eh, she's not important. Let her flounder around in the sea of life. She's just going through a phase." I have to keep reminding myself to believe in the sun when it's not shining, and believe in His love even when I don't feel it. I must believe that He, in fact, believes the opposite, that my every word to Him is important and that He's working on it and attentive, that he deems my every word important, and that I'm not crazy or insignificant. "According to your faith be it done unto you", He said in the Bible. The more faith, the more power He exudes in solving your every dilemma.

If only the average human being, like me, could see what I see and feel what I feel. I'd better start socializing now that I'm here in Oviedo, and present myself properly, or else.